A Letter to My Son

Often I find myself simply going through the motions; the everyday routine.
Wake up, cook breakfast, playtime, cook lunch, work work work, come home, clean the house, lay down.
Like clockwork, I rarely miss a beat. But some days, I think about it too much. I think about how much I'm simply participating and not truly enjoying the moments we spend together. And in those daydreams, I think of all the things I wish I could do and say.

1. I love you.
     I say it every day, a million times a day, You hear it non-stop. But you will never understand how much I truly mean it. I love you, with my whole heart. I would give my all for you. The day you were born, my life changed for the better. You are everything to me, and without you I could not survive.

2. I'm sorry.
     I sometimes take our time together for granted, Sometimes, I'm too tired to play cars or too busy to finger paint. I strive to be a super-momma, but super-momma is also a super-wife, super-cleaner, super-cooker, and super-worker. Hopefully you'll be a super-son and understand.

3. No one can replace you.
     Yes, momma and daddy want more children. That does not mean we love you any less. Consider the idea of "Big Brother" a privilege; it means you were wonderful enough that we wanted a mini-you.

4. Always put God first.
     As you get older, there will be many temptations. With every decision you make, remember to put God first. He is Our Creator; He is Our Father. Try to please Him in everything you do. He will never forget you, and you should never forget Him. You will never grow to old to pray to Him.

5. You will always have a home.
     Everyone makes mistakes, and that's okay. If we never made mistakes, we could never learn any new life lessons. No matter what path you decide to travel in life, we will always be there. We will support you, we will guide you. We will love you through the hard times. As a parent, it is my job to love and protect you until I leave this Earth, and I always will.

Coping With A Chemical Pregnancy

When I saw the faint line on the pregnancy test, I could hardly contain my excitement. I immediately sent a picture to my husband. "Do you see it, too?"
Over the next few days, the line grew darker with each test I took.

And then, all of a sudden, I started bleeding.

My husband tried to calm me down. He rubbed my back, he gave me Tylenol for the pain, he let me cry on his shoulder.. I knew there was no reason I should be bleeding so heavily, unless something was wrong.

The next morning, I visited our local walk-in clinic. They broke the news.

  

"CHEMICAL PREGNANCY"

I had no idea what it meant, but that it hurt. Not only physically, but emotionally. The flood gates opened and I cried like I have never cried before. WHY ME?

1. It is not your fault.You did not cause this. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Chemical pregnancies are only so common today because of the convenience of at-home pregnancy tests. If we had not been trying for a baby, I would not have taken an early test, I wouldn't have gotten an early positive, and I would have simply thought it was time for aunt flow.
2. It does not mean you are unsuccessful.If anything, a chemical pregnancy should reassure you, instead of tearing you down. No, the fertilized egg did not attach. However, the egg was successfully fertilized. Your eggs are still doing their job and so is your husband's sperm.
3. It still hurts.In medical terms, it is not "technically" a miscarriage. But if you have a confirmed chemical pregnancy, you know the heartbreak. For a few days, there was a fertilized egg in your body and that fertilized egg was your baby.

So, when does it get better? With time, all wounds heal. It is best to find a way to help cope with your chemical pregnancy.

1. Pick out a name.
   To some people I've talked to, this seems to be very hard to do. However, picking out a name for your lost child during your chemical pregnancy can help relieve the pain. It helps put a name to the bond you had for just a short time.
2. Buy an angel.
   This seems to be the most common coping choice. You simply buy an angel to sit on your dresser or somewhere in your home. You can find one of my favorites here. It includes a precious poem on the bottom of the figurine.
3. Plant a rosebush.
   Sometimes giving something else life and nurturing another living thing can help ease the sorrow of your loss. Planting a rosebush seems to be the most fitting comparison: it's delicate and it is beautiful, just as the child you lost.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with these events. If you have any suggestions of things that may help a couple in sorrow, or if you have used any methods to cope with the loss of a child, please feel free to leave a comment. 

John Deere First Birthday Party!

Anyone who knows my family knows that my son is obsessed with anything that has wheels on it, but most importantly... HE LOVES TRACTORS.

So when trying to decide what to do for his party - like two weeks before the day! - we thought and thought until finally I had the perfect idea. John Deere!


I had everything planned. I ordered balloons, ribbon, invitations, napkins, and everything imaginable for my little man's special day. I reserved a barn at our local park, personally handed out every invitation, and even decided I'd be super-mom and make his own cake.

The night before his party, I stayed up til 3am making teeny-tiny little adorable cupcakes to make his tractor cupcake cake.

yes, these are funfetti! my favorite!

So when I woke up at 8am to a child screaming in my ear, I was so overwhelmed. Luckily, my super-awesome big sister showed up at my house and saved the day!

Seriously, at one point, I just stood in the bathroom and cried. My husband called me ONE HOUR before his party to inform me he had told his parents and friends the wrong time.

So, we ditched the swanky reserved barn and opted out for our tiny little apartment.

Can't you tell Mr. Eli had a good first birthday?